Oct 5, 2009

Ozzie and Harriet: Friendship

Ozzie: i miss you like a child misses his or her blanket
Harriet: aw
i miss you too
Ozzie: that was a joke
i hate you
Harriet: i thought you were going to do your standard, oh sorry, wrong box
you unoriginal ass
Ozzie: hahahahahah

Sep 25, 2009

Ozzie and Harriet: Music

Ozzie: i'm obsessed with bon iver
Harriet: oh yeah
i only have one song of his
Ozzie: which one
skinny love?
Harriet: blindsided
Ozzie: omg i'm listening to that now
Harriet: hasha
me too!
Ozzie: WHOA
wait, what is hasha?
Harriet: haha
with a typo
studpid is a great pet name

Clementine: Insults

Ozzie: do you realize i'm the cutest/smartest/most celibate in the world?
Clementine: celibate?
Ozzie: hahahahahahahah

Clementine: Pregnancy

Ozzie: hi
Clementine: hiii
Ozzie: i just found out
i'm pregnant
i'm going to name it pillow

Sep 22, 2009

Ozzie and Harriet: Random Thoughts

Harriet: oprah's telling me i'm ugly
Ozzie: you are
Harriet: i'm getting fatter
my cat doesn't care
Ozzie: your cat is a moron
Harriet: why can't pets reciprocate
i pet oscar
why can't he pet me?
Ozzie: awfully so
Harriet: should we go work at the bunny ranch?
Ozzie: yes

Ozzie and Harriet: On Dating

Ozzie: "Yes, people have used 'crazy' to describe me. Usually it's while we're laying in my bed, sweaty and entangled, he'll look over to me and pant in a hushed voice 'you're crazy amazing in bed.'

What about you?"
that is what i got back from the kid i am supposed to have a date with
how do i respond to that?!
Harriet: um
you don't go on a date with him
Ozzie: agreed

Sep 16, 2009

And We're Back

Ozzie: what makes you truly happy
Clementine: that's a very deep question
my family
weeping willows
Ozzie: boring
Clementine: strippers
Ozzie: better

Jun 18, 2009

Ozzie and Harriet: Random Thoughts

Ozzie: i promise
i will never own a blackberry unless i am forced to by work
Harriet: hahaha
Ozzie: i will never own an ipod
i mean
Harriet: ok
Ozzie: what else should i never own
Harriet: um
a vibrator
Ozzie: ok well that one was understood

Jun 16, 2009

Ozzie and Harriet: Careers

Harriet: so i added this sentence
"The program was fortunate to have someone so aptly able to combine her education with practical use."
do you think i need more concrete shit
Ozzie: not necessarily
"Harriet has been around the block and was thus able to adeptly design a sexual education program. When you have a history of STDs as long as Harriet's, you have quite a lot to say about preventative measures."
omg please include that in the letter
Harriet: i like that you take so much time and thought to give me useless lines
that takes no thought at all
insulting you is the easiest thing i do

Jun 12, 2009

Ozzie: Soliloquy

Ozzie: i get obsessed with things in general really easily
right now it's mermaids
i met one last night at a performance art piece
and now i'm convinced the filet o'fish from mcdonalds is made of mermaid

Jun 11, 2009

Ozzie and Harriet: Culture

Harriet: life is hard
i took all my money out of the bank yesterday
save 100 pesos
so that i can keep my account open if i come back
Ozzie: nice
how much is 100 pesos in real people money
Harriet: um almost 3 bucks
Ozzie: hysterical
poor people make me giggle
Harriet: haha

Jun 10, 2009

Ozzie and Harriet: Dating

Ozzie: i wrote to this guy like a week ago with a stupid one line e-mail

and he just wrote back to me randomly
Harriet: really?
Ozzie: yes
i congratulated him on liking the serial comma
Harriet: nice
Ozzie: what should i write back
Harriet: what had you guys been talking about before you talked about punctuation?
Ozzie: nothing
Harriet: hmm, ok
maybe send him the link about the cool echidna! (http://www.nytimes.com/2009/06/09/science/09angi.html?em)
Ozzie: god, no wonder we're single
i'm doing it
Harriet: haha
Ozzie: seriously though

Jun 9, 2009

Ozzie and Harriet: Quickies

Harriet: muah
Ozzie: EW

Jun 8, 2009

Clementine: Activities

Clementine: i watched transformers with my friends
Ozzie: that's fun
which transformers?
Clementine: 1
i'd never seen it
Ozzie: i mean the live action or the cartoon?
Clementine: oh
with the hot humans
Ozzie: hahahaha
they were all hot in that
even the computer nerd chick
Clementine: i know
totally a likely situation, huh
nothing about her screamed computer nerd
Ozzie: everything about her screamed stripper
Clementine: agreed
especially the hot australian accent
Ozzie: let's see what else she has been in

that settles it
she's basically 2 steps away from giving hand jobs in the champagne room
transformers.... hostess... hand jobs
Clementine: hahaha
but she's in the sequel!
so she's not there yet
give her a few years
Ozzie: is she?
i don't think she is
not listed
i hope she at least works at scores

Jun 5, 2009

Ozzie and Harriet: Compliments

Ozzie: my ass is beautiful
Harriet: so is mine
i'd even venture to say more beautiful than yours
Ozzie: uh
dimples on your face are pretty, harriet
the dimples on your ass make it less so
Harriet: hahahah

Jun 4, 2009

Happy Birthday, Harriet!

Ozzie: i'm here
Harriet: hahahhaha
thanks :)
Ozzie: how old are you now
like 100?
Harriet: god, right?
Ozzie: 94?
Harriet: 101, bitch
Ozzie: hahahahaha
you look good for your age
Harriet: why, thank you :)
Ozzie: well, except for your thighs
Harriet: they have always been a problem area
i have saddlebags yet i'm not a horse
Ozzie: your snout says differently
Harriet: mmm yes

Jun 2, 2009

Ozzie and Harriet: Friendship

Ozzie: you my HOOKER NOW
Harriet: you cave man
me love you

Welcome a Special Guest: Ozzie's Mom!

Ozzie's Mom: gosh the girls are having a meltdown
Ozzie: why?
Ozzie's Mom: one is going to have a baby - she covers for me at lunch and after 4P
Ozzie: ok
Ozzie's Mom: so when she's out on leave who will cover for me? - they don't want to - and all this crap about when is my vacation
Ozzie's Mom: u see - i run the show here and they have their freedom - without me they can't do what they want
Ozzie's Mom: so they are freaking out
Ozzie's Mom: unreal
Ozzie: hahahahaha
Ozzie: you attract the drama
Ozzie's Mom: so i said well i have to have my vacation - and i am, so that's that
Ozzie: that's good
Ozzie: you stand up for your rights, ozzie's mom
Ozzie's Mom: oh god - yes and i am calmly saying this will all work out GRRRRRRRRRRRRRR
Ozzie's Mom: what bitches
Ozzie: i think one day you should just have a freakout
Ozzie: hahahahaha
Ozzie's Mom: i did yesterday
Ozzie: scare them all to death
Ozzie: just start throwing the phone and eating paper
Ozzie's Mom: sounds great

Harriet: Soliloquy

Harriet: what's the difference between your mother and a monkey
i can't remember the rest of the joke, but your mother's a whore!

Jun 1, 2009

Ozzie and Harriet: Random Thoughts

Harriet: what are you doing
besides being a whore
Ozzie: touching my new t-shirts
Harriet: hahahahaha
Ozzie: why the hell do they come in a resealable bag
Harriet: nothing like a new pair of socks
Ozzie: why would i need to reseal t-shirts
Harriet: really?
you should totally reseal your tshirts
i'd have more respect for you

May 29, 2009

Ozzie and Harriet: Career Talk

Ozzie: i think you need to expand that a bit
Harriet that's what i was thinking
but i don't know what else to say
Ozzie: like what part of global health interests you the most...
if i said i was going to kill a kitty for every second you wasted not telling me
what would you say
dead kitty
dead kitty
dead kitty
dead kitty
another dead kitty
oh man
all these dead kitties
dead kitty
dead kitty
dead kitty
there goes twins
i'm running out of kitties to kill
there's another one
dead kitty
dead kitty
dead kitty
dead kitty
die, kitty, die
he's dead
no more kitties
i killed all the kitties
on to bunnies!
dead bunny
dead bunny
look how cute!
look how dead
dead bunny
dead bunny
you fail

May 28, 2009

Ozzie and Clementine: Random Thoughts

Ozzie: so if i ever get a botfly i cut off the air
got it
that is awesome
Clementine: perfect
Ozzie: i'm bleeding love, bitch
and botflys
Clementine: i just drank an excessive amount of diet pepsi
i think i may vomit.
random thoughts of the day

May 27, 2009

Ozzie and Harriet: Careers

Harriet: can i say the easiest and cheapest way to contact me is skype
since i'm in the dominican republic?
Ozzie: yes
also say, have my baby, i'm barren
Harriet: haha
Ozzie: how funny would that be
"Hi!Thanks so much for getting back to me. I would love to speak with you about possible job opportunities. The best way for me to communicate is through Skype since I am international, but let's figure out a way that works for both of us and go from there. Have my baby. I'm barren.
oh come on, that's funny
Harriet: haha
shut up

May 22, 2009

Ozzie and Harriet: Random Thoughts

Ozzie: what is the problem with your bionic leg?
Harriet: it just sometimes doesn't work
Ozzie: have you oiled it recently
Harriet: don't ask such stupid questions

May 21, 2009

Ozzie and Harriet: Full Circle

Ozzie: do you ever flash your hooters?
Harriet: there are a couple hooters that live in my campo
Ozzie: are their names porgy and bess?
Harriet: no
Ozzie: koala farts smell like coughdrops
Harriet: i know!
that makes me so happy
Ozzie: let's find me a date with good taste in music and a penchant for walking barefoot
true love finds you in the end
Harriet: hehe
you just described me!
Ozzie: you're my true love
it's true
Harriet: too bad you don't like my hooters
you brought it full circle
Harriet: i do that

May 20, 2009

Ozzie and Harriet: Random Thoughts

Ozzie: studying stats sucks, esp the first half of the year
do you have sex for money?
Harriet: obvi
how do you think i get by down here
Ozzie: hmm
you better hold onto those aids tests
Harriet: i know
Ozzie: hahaha
i'm beginning to remember some of this shit
Harriet: what shit
Ozzie: stats
first half of the year
open your ears, not your legs
Harriet: hahahahaha
good one

May 19, 2009

Clementine: Words of Wisdom

Clementine: what do they call male cougars?
oh right
you are a predator
or just a genius
untapped resource
Clementine: because they haven't finished puberty yet
they are untappable
Ozzie: they have so finished puberty
they're almost 20

Ozzie: which is one more than 19
Clementine: i think you're missing the key part of that sentence
Ozzie: pshaw

do you enjoy being a buzz kill
Clementine: someone has to be
today i took a life.
the life of the party.

May 18, 2009

Ozzie and Harriet: Friendship

Harriet: i don't want to study!
Ozzie: i don't want to work
Harriet: what are we going to do
Ozzie: run away?
Harriet: yes!
you are so smart

Ozzie and Harriet: Random Thoughts

Ozzie: i'm happy i don't have herpes
Harriet: me too
Ozzie: or syphilis
Harriet: well syphilis is curable
Ozzie: whatever
i don't want it anyway
have you ever had an std
Harriet: nope
have you
Ozzie: not that i know of
Harriet: i mean if i'm going for one i would like a curable one
but i feel like they are less prominent
Ozzie: i'd like a sexy one

Ozzie and Harriet: Random Thoughts

Ozzie: So answer the question. What's cooking, average looking?
Harriet: hotness up in your face
Ozzie: hahahahahahahaha
Harriet: haha
i'm glad you liked it

Ozzie and Harriet: Random Thoughts

Harriet: you are gross
Ozzie: do you think tyra banks has any friends
Harriet: no
Ozzie: me neither

May 15, 2009

Ozzie and Clementine: Coffee Talk

Ozzie: haha
if i kill my coworker do i get locked-up
Clementine: yes
Ozzie: i would be saving the world
Clementine: i've seen many episodes of law and order
you should trust me

Ozzie and Clementine: Friendship

Ozzie: i need to find 1200 dollars
Clementine: ummmm
Ozzie: pay me to be your friend!

Ozzie and Clementine: Coffee Talk

Clementine: hey hobag
Ozzie: yes
Clementine: i'm bored.
Ozzie: i'm pregnant
Clementine: ooh! when are you due?
Ozzie: now

Ozzie and Harriet: Friendship

Ozzie: are you there?
Harriet: here i am
come and take me, take me by the hand
Ozzie: ha
shut up
i have a question

Ozzie and Harriet: Random Thoughts

Harriet: yo biotch, you have a pudgy pokemon as your icon
what's up with that
Ozzie: i wanted to find something that looked like you
Harriet: i don't even like pokemon
Ozzie: but you like me
and i'm a pokemon

Ozzie and Harriet: Friendship

Ozzie: why are you such a mutant ho-bag
Harriet: don't make me come back and bitch slap you