Ozzie and Harriet: Friendship

Ozzie: i miss you like a child misses his or her blanket

Harriet: aw

i miss you too

Ozzie: that was a joke

i hate you

Harriet: i thought you were going to do your standard, oh sorry, wrong box

you unoriginal ass

Ozzie: hahahahahah

Ozzie and Harriet: Music

Ozzie: i'm obsessed with bon iver

Harriet: oh yeah

i only have one song of his

Ozzie: which one

skinny love?

Harriet: blindsided

Ozzie: omg i'm listening to that now

Harriet: hasha

me too!

Ozzie: WHOA

wait, what is hasha?

Harriet: haha

with a typo

studpid

stupid

haha

Ozzie: HAHAHAHAHAA

studpid is a great pet name

Clementine: Insults

Ozzie: do you realize i'm the cutest/smartest/most celibate in the world?

Clementine: celibate?

yes

smartest?

no

Ozzie: hahahahahahahah

Clementine: Pregnancy

Ozzie: hi

Clementine: hiii

Ozzie: i just found out

i'm pregnant

i'm going to name it pillow

xoxoxoxoxoxo

Ozzie and Harriet: Random Thoughts

Harriet: oprah's telling me i'm ugly

Ozzie: you are

Harriet: i'm getting fatter

my cat doesn't care

Ozzie: your cat is a moron

Harriet: why can't pets reciprocate

i pet oscar

why can't he pet me?

selfish

Ozzie: awfully so
...

Harriet: should we go work at the bunny ranch?

Ozzie: yes

Ozzie and Harriet: On Dating

Ozzie: "Yes, people have used 'crazy' to describe me. Usually it's while we're laying in my bed, sweaty and entangled, he'll look over to me and pant in a hushed voice 'you're crazy amazing in bed.'

What about you?"

that is what i got back from the kid i am supposed to have a date with

how do i respond to that?!

Harriet: um

you don't go on a date with him

Ozzie: agreed

And We're Back

Ozzie: what makes you truly happy

Clementine: that's a very deep question

my family

weeping willows

Ozzie: boring

Clementine: strippers

Ozzie: better

Ozzie and Harriet: Random Thoughts

Ozzie: i promise

i will never own a blackberry unless i am forced to by work

Harriet: hahaha

Ozzie: i will never own an ipod

i mean

iphone

Harriet: ok

Ozzie: what else should i never own

Harriet: um

a vibrator

Ozzie: ok well that one was understood

christ

Ozzie and Harriet: Careers

Harriet: so i added this sentence

"The program was fortunate to have someone so aptly able to combine her education with practical use."

do you think i need more concrete shit

Ozzie: not necessarily

"Harriet has been around the block and was thus able to adeptly design a sexual education program. When you have a history of STDs as long as Harriet's, you have quite a lot to say about preventative measures."

omg please include that in the letter

Harriet: i like that you take so much time and thought to give me useless lines

Ozzie: HAHAHAHAHAHAH

that takes no thought at all

insulting you is the easiest thing i do

Ozzie: Soliloquy

Ozzie: i get obsessed with things in general really easily

right now it's mermaids

i met one last night at a performance art piece

and now i'm convinced the filet o'fish from mcdonalds is made of mermaid

Ozzie and Harriet: Culture

Harriet: life is hard

i took all my money out of the bank yesterday

save 100 pesos

so that i can keep my account open if i come back

Ozzie: nice

how much is 100 pesos in real people money

Harriet: um almost 3 bucks

Ozzie: hysterical

poor people make me giggle

Harriet: haha

Ozzie and Harriet: Dating

Ozzie: i wrote to this guy like a week ago with a stupid one line e-mail

and he just wrote back to me randomly

Harriet: really?

Ozzie: yes

i congratulated him on liking the serial comma

Harriet: nice

Ozzie: what should i write back

Harriet: what had you guys been talking about before you talked about punctuation?

Ozzie: nothing

Harriet: hmm, ok

maybe send him the link about the cool echidna! (http://www.nytimes.com/2009/06/09/science/09angi.html?em)

Ozzie: god, no wonder we're single

i'm doing it

Harriet: haha

Ozzie: seriously though

Ozzie and Harriet: Quickies

Harriet: muah

Ozzie: EW

COOTIES

Clementine: Activities

Clementine: i watched transformers with my friends

Ozzie: that's fun

which transformers?

Clementine: 1

i'd never seen it

Ozzie: i mean the live action or the cartoon?

Clementine: oh

live

with the hot humans

Ozzie: hahahaha

they were all hot in that

even the computer nerd chick

Clementine: i know

totally a likely situation, huh

nothing about her screamed computer nerd

Ozzie: everything about her screamed stripper

Clementine: agreed

especially the hot australian accent

Ozzie: let's see what else she has been in

man-thing

well

that settles it

she's basically 2 steps away from giving hand jobs in the champagne room

transformers.... hostess... hand jobs

Clementine: hahaha

but she's in the sequel!

so she's not there yet

give her a few years

Ozzie: is she?

i don't think she is

nope

not listed

sigh

i hope she at least works at scores

Ozzie and Harriet: Compliments

Ozzie: my ass is beautiful

Harriet: so is mine

i'd even venture to say more beautiful than yours

Ozzie: uh

dimples on your face are pretty, harriet

the dimples on your ass make it less so

Harriet: hahahah

Happy Birthday, Harriet!

Ozzie: i'm here

sorry

HAPPY BIRTHDAY, HOOKER BOOTS

Harriet: hahahhaha

thanks :)

Ozzie: how old are you now

like 100?

Harriet: god, right?

close

Ozzie: 94?

Harriet: 101, bitch

Ozzie: hahahahaha

you look good for your age

Harriet: why, thank you :)

Ozzie: well, except for your thighs

Harriet: they have always been a problem area

i have saddlebags yet i'm not a horse

Ozzie: your snout says differently

Harriet: mmm yes

Ozzie and Harriet: Friendship

Ozzie: you my HOOKER NOW

Harriet: you cave man

me love you

Welcome a Special Guest: Ozzie's Mom!

Ozzie's Mom: gosh the girls are having a meltdown

Ozzie: why?

Ozzie's Mom: one is going to have a baby - she covers for me at lunch and after 4P

Ozzie: ok

Ozzie's Mom: so when she's out on leave who will cover for me? - they don't want to - and all this crap about when is my vacation

Ozzie's Mom: u see - i run the show here and they have their freedom - without me they can't do what they want

Ozzie's Mom: so they are freaking out

Ozzie's Mom: unreal

Ozzie: hahahahaha

Ozzie: you attract the drama

Ozzie's Mom: so i said well i have to have my vacation - and i am, so that's that

Ozzie: that's good

Ozzie: you stand up for your rights, ozzie's mom

Ozzie's Mom: oh god - yes and i am calmly saying this will all work out GRRRRRRRRRRRRRR

Ozzie's Mom: what bitches

Ozzie: i think one day you should just have a freakout

Ozzie: hahahahaha

Ozzie's Mom: i did yesterday

Ozzie: scare them all to death

Ozzie: just start throwing the phone and eating paper

Ozzie's Mom: sounds great

Harriet: Soliloquy

Harriet: what's the difference between your mother and a monkey

i can't remember the rest of the joke, but your mother's a whore!

Ozzie and Harriet: Random Thoughts

Harriet: what are you doing

besides being a whore

Ozzie: touching my new t-shirts

Harriet: hahahahaha

Ozzie: why the hell do they come in a resealable bag

Harriet: nothing like a new pair of socks

Ozzie: why would i need to reseal t-shirts

Harriet: really?

hahaha

you should totally reseal your tshirts

i'd have more respect for you

Ozzie and Harriet: Career Talk

Ozzie: i think you need to expand that a bit

Harriet that's what i was thinking

but i don't know what else to say

Ozzie: like what part of global health interests you the most...

if i said i was going to kill a kitty for every second you wasted not telling me

what would you say

GO!

dead kitty

dead kitty

dead kitty

dead kitty

another dead kitty

oh man

all these dead kitties

dead kitty

dead kitty

dead kitty

oops

there goes twins

jeez

i'm running out of kitties to kill

nope

there's another one

dead kitty

dead kitty

dead kitty

dead kitty

die, kitty, die

he's dead

sigh

no more kitties

i killed all the kitties

on to bunnies!

dead bunny

dead bunny

look how cute!

oh

look how dead

dead bunny

dead bunny

...

you fail

Ozzie and Clementine: Random Thoughts

Ozzie: so if i ever get a botfly i cut off the air

got it

that is awesome

Clementine: perfect

Ozzie: i'm bleeding love, bitch

...

and botflys

Clementine: i just drank an excessive amount of diet pepsi

i think i may vomit.

Ozzie: HAHAHAHAHAHAHA

random thoughts of the day

Ozzie and Harriet: Careers

Harriet: can i say the easiest and cheapest way to contact me is skype

since i'm in the dominican republic?

Ozzie: yes

also say, have my baby, i'm barren

Harriet: haha

Ozzie: how funny would that be

"Hi!Thanks so much for getting back to me. I would love to speak with you about possible job opportunities. The best way for me to communicate is through Skype since I am international, but let's figure out a way that works for both of us and go from there. Have my baby. I'm barren.

Harriet"

oh come on, that's funny

Harriet: haha

shut up

Ozzie and Harriet: Random Thoughts

Ozzie: what is the problem with your bionic leg?

Harriet: it just sometimes doesn't work

Ozzie: have you oiled it recently

Harriet: don't ask such stupid questions

Ozzie and Harriet: Full Circle

Ozzie: do you ever flash your hooters?

Harriet: there are a couple hooters that live in my campo

Ozzie: are their names porgy and bess?

Harriet: no

Ozzie: koala farts smell like coughdrops

Harriet: i know!

that makes me so happy

Ozzie: let's find me a date with good taste in music and a penchant for walking barefoot

true love finds you in the end

Harriet: hehe

you just described me!

Ozzie: you're my true love

it's true

Harriet: too bad you don't like my hooters

Ozzie: HAHAHHAAHAHAHA

you brought it full circle

impressive

Harriet: i do that

Ozzie and Harriet: Random Thoughts

Ozzie: studying stats sucks, esp the first half of the year

do you have sex for money?

Harriet: obvi

how do you think i get by down here

Ozzie: hmm

you better hold onto those aids tests

Harriet: i know

Ozzie: hahaha

i'm beginning to remember some of this shit

Harriet: what shit

Ozzie: stats

first half of the year

open your ears, not your legs

Harriet: hahahahaha

good one

Clementine: Words of Wisdom

Clementine: what do they call male cougars?

oh right

predators

you are a predator

Ozzie: HAHAHA

or just a genius

untapped resource

Clementine: because they haven't finished puberty yet

they are untappable

Ozzie: they have so finished puberty

they're almost 20

Ozzie: which is one more than 19

Clementine: i think you're missing the key part of that sentence

ALMOST

Ozzie: pshaw

do you enjoy being a buzz kill

Clementine: someone has to be

today i took a life.

the life of the party.

Ozzie: HAHAHAHAHAHA

Ozzie and Harriet: Friendship

Harriet: i don't want to study!

Ozzie: i don't want to work

Harriet: what are we going to do

Ozzie: run away?

Harriet: yes!

you are so smart

Ozzie and Harriet: Random Thoughts

Ozzie: i'm happy i don't have herpes

Harriet: me too

Ozzie: or syphilis

Harriet: well syphilis is curable

Ozzie: whatever

i don't want it anyway

have you ever had an std

Harriet: nope

have you

Ozzie: not that i know of

Harriet: i mean if i'm going for one i would like a curable one

but i feel like they are less prominent

Ozzie: i'd like a sexy one

Ozzie and Harriet: Random Thoughts

Ozzie: So answer the question. What's cooking, average looking?

Harriet: hotness up in your face

Ozzie: hahahahahahahaha

Harriet: haha

i'm glad you liked it

Ozzie and Harriet: Random Thoughts

Harriet: you are gross

Ozzie: do you think tyra banks has any friends

Harriet: no

Ozzie: me neither

Ozzie and Clementine: Coffee Talk

Ozzie: haha

if i kill my coworker do i get locked-up

Clementine: yes

Ozzie: i would be saving the world

Clementine: i've seen many episodes of law and order

you should trust me

Ozzie and Clementine: Friendship

Ozzie: i need to find 1200 dollars

Clementine: ummmm

Ozzie: pay me to be your friend!

Ozzie and Clementine: Coffee Talk

Clementine: hey hobag

Ozzie: yes

Clementine: i'm bored.

Ozzie: i'm pregnant

Clementine: ooh! when are you due?

Ozzie: now

plop

Ozzie and Harriet: Friendship

Ozzie: are you there?

Harriet: here i am

baby

come and take me, take me by the hand

Ozzie: ha

shut up

i have a question

Ozzie and Harriet: Random Thoughts

Harriet: yo biotch, you have a pudgy pokemon as your icon

what's up with that

Ozzie: i wanted to find something that looked like you

Harriet: i don't even like pokemon

geez

Ozzie: but you like me

and i'm a pokemon

Ozzie and Harriet: Friendship

Ozzie: why are you such a mutant ho-bag

Harriet: don't make me come back and bitch slap you

Ozzie: COME BACK, YOU SLUTTY MONKEY