Ozzie and Harriet: Friendship

Ozzie: i miss you like a child misses his or her blanket

Harriet: aw

i miss you too

Ozzie: that was a joke

i hate you

Harriet: i thought you were going to do your standard, oh sorry, wrong box

you unoriginal ass

Ozzie: hahahahahah

Ozzie and Harriet: Music

Ozzie: i'm obsessed with bon iver

Harriet: oh yeah

i only have one song of his

Ozzie: which one

skinny love?

Harriet: blindsided

Ozzie: omg i'm listening to that now

Harriet: hasha

me too!

Ozzie: WHOA

wait, what is hasha?

Harriet: haha

with a typo

studpid

stupid

haha

Ozzie: HAHAHAHAHAA

studpid is a great pet name

Clementine: Insults

Ozzie: do you realize i'm the cutest/smartest/most celibate in the world?

Clementine: celibate?

yes

smartest?

no

Ozzie: hahahahahahahah

Clementine: Pregnancy

Ozzie: hi

Clementine: hiii

Ozzie: i just found out

i'm pregnant

i'm going to name it pillow

xoxoxoxoxoxo

Ozzie and Harriet: Random Thoughts

Harriet: oprah's telling me i'm ugly

Ozzie: you are

Harriet: i'm getting fatter

my cat doesn't care

Ozzie: your cat is a moron

Harriet: why can't pets reciprocate

i pet oscar

why can't he pet me?

selfish

Ozzie: awfully so
...

Harriet: should we go work at the bunny ranch?

Ozzie: yes

Ozzie and Harriet: On Dating

Ozzie: "Yes, people have used 'crazy' to describe me. Usually it's while we're laying in my bed, sweaty and entangled, he'll look over to me and pant in a hushed voice 'you're crazy amazing in bed.'

What about you?"

that is what i got back from the kid i am supposed to have a date with

how do i respond to that?!

Harriet: um

you don't go on a date with him

Ozzie: agreed

And We're Back

Ozzie: what makes you truly happy

Clementine: that's a very deep question

my family

weeping willows

Ozzie: boring

Clementine: strippers

Ozzie: better

Ozzie and Harriet: Random Thoughts

Ozzie: i promise

i will never own a blackberry unless i am forced to by work

Harriet: hahaha

Ozzie: i will never own an ipod

i mean

iphone

Harriet: ok

Ozzie: what else should i never own

Harriet: um

a vibrator

Ozzie: ok well that one was understood

christ

Ozzie and Harriet: Careers

Harriet: so i added this sentence

"The program was fortunate to have someone so aptly able to combine her education with practical use."

do you think i need more concrete shit

Ozzie: not necessarily

"Harriet has been around the block and was thus able to adeptly design a sexual education program. When you have a history of STDs as long as Harriet's, you have quite a lot to say about preventative measures."

omg please include that in the letter

Harriet: i like that you take so much time and thought to give me useless lines

Ozzie: HAHAHAHAHAHAH

that takes no thought at all

insulting you is the easiest thing i do

Ozzie: Soliloquy

Ozzie: i get obsessed with things in general really easily

right now it's mermaids

i met one last night at a performance art piece

and now i'm convinced the filet o'fish from mcdonalds is made of mermaid

Ozzie and Harriet: Culture

Harriet: life is hard

i took all my money out of the bank yesterday

save 100 pesos

so that i can keep my account open if i come back

Ozzie: nice

how much is 100 pesos in real people money

Harriet: um almost 3 bucks

Ozzie: hysterical

poor people make me giggle

Harriet: haha

Ozzie and Harriet: Dating

Ozzie: i wrote to this guy like a week ago with a stupid one line e-mail

and he just wrote back to me randomly

Harriet: really?

Ozzie: yes

i congratulated him on liking the serial comma

Harriet: nice

Ozzie: what should i write back

Harriet: what had you guys been talking about before you talked about punctuation?

Ozzie: nothing

Harriet: hmm, ok

maybe send him the link about the cool echidna! (http://www.nytimes.com/2009/06/09/science/09angi.html?em)

Ozzie: god, no wonder we're single

i'm doing it

Harriet: haha

Ozzie: seriously though

Ozzie and Harriet: Quickies

Harriet: muah

Ozzie: EW

COOTIES

Clementine: Activities

Clementine: i watched transformers with my friends

Ozzie: that's fun

which transformers?

Clementine: 1

i'd never seen it

Ozzie: i mean the live action or the cartoon?

Clementine: oh

live

with the hot humans

Ozzie: hahahaha

they were all hot in that

even the computer nerd chick

Clementine: i know

totally a likely situation, huh

nothing about her screamed computer nerd

Ozzie: everything about her screamed stripper

Clementine: agreed

especially the hot australian accent

Ozzie: let's see what else she has been in

man-thing

well

that settles it

she's basically 2 steps away from giving hand jobs in the champagne room

transformers.... hostess... hand jobs

Clementine: hahaha

but she's in the sequel!

so she's not there yet

give her a few years

Ozzie: is she?

i don't think she is

nope

not listed

sigh

i hope she at least works at scores

Ozzie and Harriet: Compliments

Ozzie: my ass is beautiful

Harriet: so is mine

i'd even venture to say more beautiful than yours

Ozzie: uh

dimples on your face are pretty, harriet

the dimples on your ass make it less so

Harriet: hahahah

Happy Birthday, Harriet!

Ozzie: i'm here

sorry

HAPPY BIRTHDAY, HOOKER BOOTS

Harriet: hahahhaha

thanks :)

Ozzie: how old are you now

like 100?

Harriet: god, right?

close

Ozzie: 94?

Harriet: 101, bitch

Ozzie: hahahahaha

you look good for your age

Harriet: why, thank you :)

Ozzie: well, except for your thighs

Harriet: they have always been a problem area

i have saddlebags yet i'm not a horse

Ozzie: your snout says differently

Harriet: mmm yes

Ozzie and Harriet: Friendship

Ozzie: you my HOOKER NOW

Harriet: you cave man

me love you

Welcome a Special Guest: Ozzie's Mom!

Ozzie's Mom: gosh the girls are having a meltdown

Ozzie: why?

Ozzie's Mom: one is going to have a baby - she covers for me at lunch and after 4P

Ozzie: ok

Ozzie's Mom: so when she's out on leave who will cover for me? - they don't want to - and all this crap about when is my vacation

Ozzie's Mom: u see - i run the show here and they have their freedom - without me they can't do what they want

Ozzie's Mom: so they are freaking out

Ozzie's Mom: unreal

Ozzie: hahahahaha

Ozzie: you attract the drama

Ozzie's Mom: so i said well i have to have my vacation - and i am, so that's that

Ozzie: that's good

Ozzie: you stand up for your rights, ozzie's mom

Ozzie's Mom: oh god - yes and i am calmly saying this will all work out GRRRRRRRRRRRRRR

Ozzie's Mom: what bitches

Ozzie: i think one day you should just have a freakout

Ozzie: hahahahaha

Ozzie's Mom: i did yesterday

Ozzie: scare them all to death

Ozzie: just start throwing the phone and eating paper

Ozzie's Mom: sounds great

Harriet: Soliloquy

Harriet: what's the difference between your mother and a monkey

i can't remember the rest of the joke, but your mother's a whore!

Ozzie and Harriet: Random Thoughts

Harriet: what are you doing

besides being a whore

Ozzie: touching my new t-shirts

Harriet: hahahahaha

Ozzie: why the hell do they come in a resealable bag

Harriet: nothing like a new pair of socks

Ozzie: why would i need to reseal t-shirts

Harriet: really?

hahaha

you should totally reseal your tshirts

i'd have more respect for you