Jun 18, 2009

Ozzie and Harriet: Random Thoughts

Ozzie: i promise
i will never own a blackberry unless i am forced to by work
Harriet: hahaha
Ozzie: i will never own an ipod
i mean
Harriet: ok
Ozzie: what else should i never own
Harriet: um
a vibrator
Ozzie: ok well that one was understood

Jun 16, 2009

Ozzie and Harriet: Careers

Harriet: so i added this sentence
"The program was fortunate to have someone so aptly able to combine her education with practical use."
do you think i need more concrete shit
Ozzie: not necessarily
"Harriet has been around the block and was thus able to adeptly design a sexual education program. When you have a history of STDs as long as Harriet's, you have quite a lot to say about preventative measures."
omg please include that in the letter
Harriet: i like that you take so much time and thought to give me useless lines
that takes no thought at all
insulting you is the easiest thing i do

Jun 12, 2009

Ozzie: Soliloquy

Ozzie: i get obsessed with things in general really easily
right now it's mermaids
i met one last night at a performance art piece
and now i'm convinced the filet o'fish from mcdonalds is made of mermaid

Jun 11, 2009

Ozzie and Harriet: Culture

Harriet: life is hard
i took all my money out of the bank yesterday
save 100 pesos
so that i can keep my account open if i come back
Ozzie: nice
how much is 100 pesos in real people money
Harriet: um almost 3 bucks
Ozzie: hysterical
poor people make me giggle
Harriet: haha

Jun 10, 2009

Ozzie and Harriet: Dating

Ozzie: i wrote to this guy like a week ago with a stupid one line e-mail

and he just wrote back to me randomly
Harriet: really?
Ozzie: yes
i congratulated him on liking the serial comma
Harriet: nice
Ozzie: what should i write back
Harriet: what had you guys been talking about before you talked about punctuation?
Ozzie: nothing
Harriet: hmm, ok
maybe send him the link about the cool echidna! (http://www.nytimes.com/2009/06/09/science/09angi.html?em)
Ozzie: god, no wonder we're single
i'm doing it
Harriet: haha
Ozzie: seriously though

Jun 9, 2009

Ozzie and Harriet: Quickies

Harriet: muah
Ozzie: EW

Jun 8, 2009

Clementine: Activities

Clementine: i watched transformers with my friends
Ozzie: that's fun
which transformers?
Clementine: 1
i'd never seen it
Ozzie: i mean the live action or the cartoon?
Clementine: oh
with the hot humans
Ozzie: hahahaha
they were all hot in that
even the computer nerd chick
Clementine: i know
totally a likely situation, huh
nothing about her screamed computer nerd
Ozzie: everything about her screamed stripper
Clementine: agreed
especially the hot australian accent
Ozzie: let's see what else she has been in

that settles it
she's basically 2 steps away from giving hand jobs in the champagne room
transformers.... hostess... hand jobs
Clementine: hahaha
but she's in the sequel!
so she's not there yet
give her a few years
Ozzie: is she?
i don't think she is
not listed
i hope she at least works at scores

Jun 5, 2009

Ozzie and Harriet: Compliments

Ozzie: my ass is beautiful
Harriet: so is mine
i'd even venture to say more beautiful than yours
Ozzie: uh
dimples on your face are pretty, harriet
the dimples on your ass make it less so
Harriet: hahahah

Jun 4, 2009

Happy Birthday, Harriet!

Ozzie: i'm here
Harriet: hahahhaha
thanks :)
Ozzie: how old are you now
like 100?
Harriet: god, right?
Ozzie: 94?
Harriet: 101, bitch
Ozzie: hahahahaha
you look good for your age
Harriet: why, thank you :)
Ozzie: well, except for your thighs
Harriet: they have always been a problem area
i have saddlebags yet i'm not a horse
Ozzie: your snout says differently
Harriet: mmm yes

Jun 2, 2009

Ozzie and Harriet: Friendship

Ozzie: you my HOOKER NOW
Harriet: you cave man
me love you

Welcome a Special Guest: Ozzie's Mom!

Ozzie's Mom: gosh the girls are having a meltdown
Ozzie: why?
Ozzie's Mom: one is going to have a baby - she covers for me at lunch and after 4P
Ozzie: ok
Ozzie's Mom: so when she's out on leave who will cover for me? - they don't want to - and all this crap about when is my vacation
Ozzie's Mom: u see - i run the show here and they have their freedom - without me they can't do what they want
Ozzie's Mom: so they are freaking out
Ozzie's Mom: unreal
Ozzie: hahahahaha
Ozzie: you attract the drama
Ozzie's Mom: so i said well i have to have my vacation - and i am, so that's that
Ozzie: that's good
Ozzie: you stand up for your rights, ozzie's mom
Ozzie's Mom: oh god - yes and i am calmly saying this will all work out GRRRRRRRRRRRRRR
Ozzie's Mom: what bitches
Ozzie: i think one day you should just have a freakout
Ozzie: hahahahaha
Ozzie's Mom: i did yesterday
Ozzie: scare them all to death
Ozzie: just start throwing the phone and eating paper
Ozzie's Mom: sounds great

Harriet: Soliloquy

Harriet: what's the difference between your mother and a monkey
i can't remember the rest of the joke, but your mother's a whore!

Jun 1, 2009

Ozzie and Harriet: Random Thoughts

Harriet: what are you doing
besides being a whore
Ozzie: touching my new t-shirts
Harriet: hahahahaha
Ozzie: why the hell do they come in a resealable bag
Harriet: nothing like a new pair of socks
Ozzie: why would i need to reseal t-shirts
Harriet: really?
you should totally reseal your tshirts
i'd have more respect for you