May 29, 2009

Ozzie and Harriet: Career Talk

Ozzie: i think you need to expand that a bit
Harriet that's what i was thinking
but i don't know what else to say
Ozzie: like what part of global health interests you the most...
if i said i was going to kill a kitty for every second you wasted not telling me
what would you say
dead kitty
dead kitty
dead kitty
dead kitty
another dead kitty
oh man
all these dead kitties
dead kitty
dead kitty
dead kitty
there goes twins
i'm running out of kitties to kill
there's another one
dead kitty
dead kitty
dead kitty
dead kitty
die, kitty, die
he's dead
no more kitties
i killed all the kitties
on to bunnies!
dead bunny
dead bunny
look how cute!
look how dead
dead bunny
dead bunny
you fail

May 28, 2009

Ozzie and Clementine: Random Thoughts

Ozzie: so if i ever get a botfly i cut off the air
got it
that is awesome
Clementine: perfect
Ozzie: i'm bleeding love, bitch
and botflys
Clementine: i just drank an excessive amount of diet pepsi
i think i may vomit.
random thoughts of the day

May 27, 2009

Ozzie and Harriet: Careers

Harriet: can i say the easiest and cheapest way to contact me is skype
since i'm in the dominican republic?
Ozzie: yes
also say, have my baby, i'm barren
Harriet: haha
Ozzie: how funny would that be
"Hi!Thanks so much for getting back to me. I would love to speak with you about possible job opportunities. The best way for me to communicate is through Skype since I am international, but let's figure out a way that works for both of us and go from there. Have my baby. I'm barren.
oh come on, that's funny
Harriet: haha
shut up

May 22, 2009

Ozzie and Harriet: Random Thoughts

Ozzie: what is the problem with your bionic leg?
Harriet: it just sometimes doesn't work
Ozzie: have you oiled it recently
Harriet: don't ask such stupid questions

May 21, 2009

Ozzie and Harriet: Full Circle

Ozzie: do you ever flash your hooters?
Harriet: there are a couple hooters that live in my campo
Ozzie: are their names porgy and bess?
Harriet: no
Ozzie: koala farts smell like coughdrops
Harriet: i know!
that makes me so happy
Ozzie: let's find me a date with good taste in music and a penchant for walking barefoot
true love finds you in the end
Harriet: hehe
you just described me!
Ozzie: you're my true love
it's true
Harriet: too bad you don't like my hooters
you brought it full circle
Harriet: i do that

May 20, 2009

Ozzie and Harriet: Random Thoughts

Ozzie: studying stats sucks, esp the first half of the year
do you have sex for money?
Harriet: obvi
how do you think i get by down here
Ozzie: hmm
you better hold onto those aids tests
Harriet: i know
Ozzie: hahaha
i'm beginning to remember some of this shit
Harriet: what shit
Ozzie: stats
first half of the year
open your ears, not your legs
Harriet: hahahahaha
good one

May 19, 2009

Clementine: Words of Wisdom

Clementine: what do they call male cougars?
oh right
you are a predator
or just a genius
untapped resource
Clementine: because they haven't finished puberty yet
they are untappable
Ozzie: they have so finished puberty
they're almost 20

Ozzie: which is one more than 19
Clementine: i think you're missing the key part of that sentence
Ozzie: pshaw

do you enjoy being a buzz kill
Clementine: someone has to be
today i took a life.
the life of the party.

May 18, 2009

Ozzie and Harriet: Friendship

Harriet: i don't want to study!
Ozzie: i don't want to work
Harriet: what are we going to do
Ozzie: run away?
Harriet: yes!
you are so smart

Ozzie and Harriet: Random Thoughts

Ozzie: i'm happy i don't have herpes
Harriet: me too
Ozzie: or syphilis
Harriet: well syphilis is curable
Ozzie: whatever
i don't want it anyway
have you ever had an std
Harriet: nope
have you
Ozzie: not that i know of
Harriet: i mean if i'm going for one i would like a curable one
but i feel like they are less prominent
Ozzie: i'd like a sexy one

Ozzie and Harriet: Random Thoughts

Ozzie: So answer the question. What's cooking, average looking?
Harriet: hotness up in your face
Ozzie: hahahahahahahaha
Harriet: haha
i'm glad you liked it

Ozzie and Harriet: Random Thoughts

Harriet: you are gross
Ozzie: do you think tyra banks has any friends
Harriet: no
Ozzie: me neither

May 15, 2009

Ozzie and Clementine: Coffee Talk

Ozzie: haha
if i kill my coworker do i get locked-up
Clementine: yes
Ozzie: i would be saving the world
Clementine: i've seen many episodes of law and order
you should trust me

Ozzie and Clementine: Friendship

Ozzie: i need to find 1200 dollars
Clementine: ummmm
Ozzie: pay me to be your friend!

Ozzie and Clementine: Coffee Talk

Clementine: hey hobag
Ozzie: yes
Clementine: i'm bored.
Ozzie: i'm pregnant
Clementine: ooh! when are you due?
Ozzie: now

Ozzie and Harriet: Friendship

Ozzie: are you there?
Harriet: here i am
come and take me, take me by the hand
Ozzie: ha
shut up
i have a question

Ozzie and Harriet: Random Thoughts

Harriet: yo biotch, you have a pudgy pokemon as your icon
what's up with that
Ozzie: i wanted to find something that looked like you
Harriet: i don't even like pokemon
Ozzie: but you like me
and i'm a pokemon

Ozzie and Harriet: Friendship

Ozzie: why are you such a mutant ho-bag
Harriet: don't make me come back and bitch slap you

Ozzie and Harriet: Deep Thoughts

Ozzie: tell me you love me
Harriet: i love you!
Ozzie: oh good
i thought you were going to put up more of a fight
Harriet: haha
Ozzie: you are a bigot
Harriet: now why do you say that
Ozzie: because you hate minorities
i feel oppressed
Harriet: as a white man?
Ozzie: correct
Harriet: shouldn't i feel oppressed as the white woman
Harriet: hahah

Ozzie and Harriet: Random Thoughts

Harriet: there was one rogue mosquito under my desk
and he bit me four times
he ate delicious Harriet blood
now he has hepatitis
Harriet: his loss

Ozzie and Harriet: On Love

Ozzie: never ever be a sniffling goober
Harriet: ok
Ozzie: day four of the dexter-freeze going well
i had a tough moment last night, but i rebounded well
Harriet: nice
what did you do
Ozzie: i walked away from my computer and i went and showered and let the hot water calm me down
then i had sex with a vietnamese prostitute named ming ping
Harriet: hahahah

Ozzie and Clementine: Random Thoughts

Ozzie: why do i try so hard
reverse that
why don't i try at all
Clementine: haha
Ozzie: where?
Clementine: you're talking nonsense
Ozzie: i appreciate the morals of transgendered strippers and am considering doing an expose on their lifestyles for the oxygen network

Soliloquy: Ozzie

Ozzie: when i was leaving your apt the other night, two tranny hookers tried to pick me up
and asked if i was horny
of course i said yes and invited them back to your place, but forgot that i didn't have the key

Comebacks by Clementine

Ozzie: you know what i found out?
being a whore is genetic
you should talk to someone about that
Clementine: that was a really good one!
have you been waiting for me to wake up so you could say that?
Ozzie: yes

Ozzie and Harriet: Random Thoughts

Ozzie: you're a hooker with a heart of brass
Harriet: hehe
Ozzie: i'm so hot, i radiate sine waves

Ozzie and Harriet: Thoughts on Love

Ozzie: my online boyfriend told me he loved me again
Harriet: oh yeah
how so
Ozzie: he said "i think i love you" and then said something dirty
Harriet: at least he's direct
Ozzie: yes
also maybe a whore
Harriet: haha
Ozzie: you'd probably get along
Harriet: probably
Ozzie: you don't have blood in your veins, you have whore juice

Ozzie and Harriet: Random Thoughts

Ozzie: don't you wanna make a puppet with a sock?
Harriet: sure
Ozzie: let's make many of them and fight them in an alleyway
do you think i'm weird
Harriet: yes
Ozzie: you're weirder
Harriet: i know
Ozzie: i just commented on some photos of you
Harriet: which ones
Ozzie: ones where you were sick, gross, and yuck
Harriet: sweet

Ozzie and Harriet: Random Thoughts

Ozzie: i'm so tired
i'm so tired
drink the puppet
Harriet: you are weird
Ozzie: kick pandas
Harriet: stop it
i'm working
Ozzie: i'm good at killing trees

Ozzie and Harriet: Holidays

Harriet: are you going to miss me this xmas
Ozzie: yes
the answer was no
Harriet: i hate you
Harriet: peace bitch
Ozzie: die whore

Ozzie and Clementine: Coffee Talk

Ozzie: kick babies
do it now
do it
Clementine: i was spat on by a 2 yr old today
so yes
i'm down

only you would get spit on by a 2 year old
Clementine: and by spat on
Ozzie: you have all the luck
Clementine: i mean spat on twice
one minute apart
Ozzie: ha like he actually spat?
Clementine: yes
at my forehead
i was wearing a freaking white coat
is there no respect left in the world?!
Ozzie: nope
Clementine: apparently not
Ozzie: i don't respect you
i know you don't respect me
so there ya go
Clementine: lovely
Ozzie: we were made to be besties
Clementine: obvi
Ozzie: its all because of math
Clementine: totes
i know
who knew that being a dumb smart kid would find me true friendship
Ozzie: yes!!!!!
Clementine: i'm BORED
Ozzie: i'm naked
Clementine: uhhh
Ozzie: squeal

May 14, 2009

Soliloquy: Ozzie

Ozzie: i pierced my other nipple last night
i don't know

Soliloquy: Harriet

Harriet: i look like a dog attacked my nose
only the dog was me

Comebacks by Clementine

Ozzie: my mom is a dirty pirate hookerClementine: obviously
she popped you out didn't she?
Ozzie: heehee

Clementine Knows Love

Ozzie: what is the cheesiest love song you can think of
Clementine: meatloaf
he's mad cheesy
Ozzie: oh my
Clementine: or michael bolton
Ozzie: you are so RIGHT

Ozzie and Harriet: Reconciliation

Ozzie: hello
are you still around?
Harriet: yes
Ozzie: whoa
you have no life

Soliloquy: Ozzie

Ozzie: you know what's weird
we talk a lot
but always seem to have more to talk about

tickle war!

Ozzie and Harriet: Smile

Ozzie: my birthday is on sat
Harriet: i know
you said that already
Ozzie: what are you getting me
Harriet: a kiss
Ozzie: wonderful, that made me smile

Ozzie and Harriet: Friendship

Harriet: bah!
Ozzie: yes
Harriet: my focusing is at a minimum
i am going to feed myself and hope that helps
my eyes are also dry
and i would like to play twister
and scattergories
Ozzie: i would like nine billion m&ms
Harriet: maybe you should come to the 'burbs this weekend and we could study all day and then play games and drink with clementine!
and eat m&ms
i have some with me right now
actuallyOzzie: i have midterms next week
i can'tHarriet: that's what the study all day was about
can't you read!?
Ozzie: ?
i see, I glazed by that
but i can't because i have to volunteer
Harriet: i see you've written something, but all i can read is lame lame lame lame lame lame lame

Harriet and Clementine: Girl Talk

Harriet: i'd rather not be working
how about you?
Clementine: i'm doing arts and crafts
Harriet: really?
Clementine: and by arts and crafts i mean drawing the synthesis of thyroid hormone in the thyroid follicular cell with pretty markers
Harriet: you had me excited
and then you stomped on my deseos
Clementine: i live to disappoint you
Harriet: why would you do such a thing
i can't stop picking my face
Harriet: hahaha

Soliloquy: Harriet

Harriet: i have been fed
i am no longer hot
and you're a whore

Ozzie and Harriet Have a Friend: Meet Clementine

Ozzie: studying is hard
Clementine: yes
welcome to my life
Ozzie: i'm not dating anyone
so not welcome to your life
Clementine: this is the first time EVER
that the tables have been turned
Ozzie: damn
i need to get back on it
Clementine: booo
i like talking to you
i dont like you studying
Ozzie: it's hard...
do i stay with the frog or go to the chicken
Clementine: what does that mean
Ozzie: my icon
chicken or frog
Clementine: ahhh
okay i see frog
Ozzie: you're seeing frog
Clementine: i need to see chicken
Ozzie: chicken
Clementine: that's still frog
Ozzie: oh
he's chicken on my computer
Clementine: oh
i like frog
he's cute
Ozzie: c'mon chicken
go elsewhere, frog
Clementine: weirdo
well i'm going to head to bed
i'm tired
it's been a long day
Ozzie: whatever
go dream of how pretty i am
Clementine: i always do
goodnight, slutbag
Ozzie: goodnight, carpet muncher

Ozzie and Harriet: Current Events

Harriet: i just got rice and beans from a really dirty place
let's hope i don't get sick
Harriet: es posible
no swine flu here yet
Ozzie: just don't sleep with mexicans
Harriet: haha
you're a whore
Ozzie: part of me hopes you get swine flu because it would be so appropriate
Harriet: why
Ozzie: because you are a swine
Harriet: i like pigs
Ozzie: you are one
... ... ... ... ... ... ...
Harriet: you bore me

Ozzie and Harriet: The Introduction

Ozzie: you are my best friend
i realized this
and it sort of distresses me
Harriet: hahahahahahahah
why would it distress you??
i hate you
Ozzie: i hate you too
this is why it distresses me
i hate you
and yet
you are my best friend
how did my life come to this
Harriet: hahahhahahaha
i'm cracking up over here
Ozzie: well i'm glad someone is laughing
Harriet: indeed
Ozzie: you're such a whore
Harriet: i know