Ozzie and Harriet: Career Talk

Ozzie: i think you need to expand that a bit

Harriet that's what i was thinking

but i don't know what else to say

Ozzie: like what part of global health interests you the most...

if i said i was going to kill a kitty for every second you wasted not telling me

what would you say

GO!

dead kitty

dead kitty

dead kitty

dead kitty

another dead kitty

oh man

all these dead kitties

dead kitty

dead kitty

dead kitty

oops

there goes twins

jeez

i'm running out of kitties to kill

nope

there's another one

dead kitty

dead kitty

dead kitty

dead kitty

die, kitty, die

he's dead

sigh

no more kitties

i killed all the kitties

on to bunnies!

dead bunny

dead bunny

look how cute!

oh

look how dead

dead bunny

dead bunny

...

you fail

Ozzie and Clementine: Random Thoughts

Ozzie: so if i ever get a botfly i cut off the air

got it

that is awesome

Clementine: perfect

Ozzie: i'm bleeding love, bitch

...

and botflys

Clementine: i just drank an excessive amount of diet pepsi

i think i may vomit.

Ozzie: HAHAHAHAHAHAHA

random thoughts of the day

Ozzie and Harriet: Careers

Harriet: can i say the easiest and cheapest way to contact me is skype

since i'm in the dominican republic?

Ozzie: yes

also say, have my baby, i'm barren

Harriet: haha

Ozzie: how funny would that be

"Hi!Thanks so much for getting back to me. I would love to speak with you about possible job opportunities. The best way for me to communicate is through Skype since I am international, but let's figure out a way that works for both of us and go from there. Have my baby. I'm barren.

Harriet"

oh come on, that's funny

Harriet: haha

shut up

Ozzie and Harriet: Random Thoughts

Ozzie: what is the problem with your bionic leg?

Harriet: it just sometimes doesn't work

Ozzie: have you oiled it recently

Harriet: don't ask such stupid questions

Ozzie and Harriet: Full Circle

Ozzie: do you ever flash your hooters?

Harriet: there are a couple hooters that live in my campo

Ozzie: are their names porgy and bess?

Harriet: no

Ozzie: koala farts smell like coughdrops

Harriet: i know!

that makes me so happy

Ozzie: let's find me a date with good taste in music and a penchant for walking barefoot

true love finds you in the end

Harriet: hehe

you just described me!

Ozzie: you're my true love

it's true

Harriet: too bad you don't like my hooters

Ozzie: HAHAHHAAHAHAHA

you brought it full circle

impressive

Harriet: i do that

Ozzie and Harriet: Random Thoughts

Ozzie: studying stats sucks, esp the first half of the year

do you have sex for money?

Harriet: obvi

how do you think i get by down here

Ozzie: hmm

you better hold onto those aids tests

Harriet: i know

Ozzie: hahaha

i'm beginning to remember some of this shit

Harriet: what shit

Ozzie: stats

first half of the year

open your ears, not your legs

Harriet: hahahahaha

good one

Clementine: Words of Wisdom

Clementine: what do they call male cougars?

oh right

predators

you are a predator

Ozzie: HAHAHA

or just a genius

untapped resource

Clementine: because they haven't finished puberty yet

they are untappable

Ozzie: they have so finished puberty

they're almost 20

Ozzie: which is one more than 19

Clementine: i think you're missing the key part of that sentence

ALMOST

Ozzie: pshaw

do you enjoy being a buzz kill

Clementine: someone has to be

today i took a life.

the life of the party.

Ozzie: HAHAHAHAHAHA

Ozzie and Harriet: Friendship

Harriet: i don't want to study!

Ozzie: i don't want to work

Harriet: what are we going to do

Ozzie: run away?

Harriet: yes!

you are so smart

Ozzie and Harriet: Random Thoughts

Ozzie: i'm happy i don't have herpes

Harriet: me too

Ozzie: or syphilis

Harriet: well syphilis is curable

Ozzie: whatever

i don't want it anyway

have you ever had an std

Harriet: nope

have you

Ozzie: not that i know of

Harriet: i mean if i'm going for one i would like a curable one

but i feel like they are less prominent

Ozzie: i'd like a sexy one

Ozzie and Harriet: Random Thoughts

Ozzie: So answer the question. What's cooking, average looking?

Harriet: hotness up in your face

Ozzie: hahahahahahahaha

Harriet: haha

i'm glad you liked it

Ozzie and Harriet: Random Thoughts

Harriet: you are gross

Ozzie: do you think tyra banks has any friends

Harriet: no

Ozzie: me neither

Ozzie and Clementine: Coffee Talk

Ozzie: haha

if i kill my coworker do i get locked-up

Clementine: yes

Ozzie: i would be saving the world

Clementine: i've seen many episodes of law and order

you should trust me

Ozzie and Clementine: Friendship

Ozzie: i need to find 1200 dollars

Clementine: ummmm

Ozzie: pay me to be your friend!

Ozzie and Clementine: Coffee Talk

Clementine: hey hobag

Ozzie: yes

Clementine: i'm bored.

Ozzie: i'm pregnant

Clementine: ooh! when are you due?

Ozzie: now

plop

Ozzie and Harriet: Friendship

Ozzie: are you there?

Harriet: here i am

baby

come and take me, take me by the hand

Ozzie: ha

shut up

i have a question

Ozzie and Harriet: Random Thoughts

Harriet: yo biotch, you have a pudgy pokemon as your icon

what's up with that

Ozzie: i wanted to find something that looked like you

Harriet: i don't even like pokemon

geez

Ozzie: but you like me

and i'm a pokemon

Ozzie and Harriet: Friendship

Ozzie: why are you such a mutant ho-bag

Harriet: don't make me come back and bitch slap you

Ozzie: COME BACK, YOU SLUTTY MONKEY

Ozzie and Harriet: Deep Thoughts

Ozzie: tell me you love me

Harriet: i love you!

Ozzie: oh good

i thought you were going to put up more of a fight

Harriet: haha

Ozzie: you are a bigot

Harriet: now why do you say that

Ozzie: because you hate minorities

i feel oppressed

Harriet: as a white man?

Ozzie: correct

Harriet: shouldn't i feel oppressed as the white woman

Ozzie: SEXIST

Harriet: hahah

Ozzie and Harriet: Random Thoughts

Harriet: there was one rogue mosquito under my desk

and he bit me four times

Ozzie: HAHAHAHAHA

he ate delicious Harriet blood

now he has hepatitis

Harriet: his loss

Ozzie and Harriet: On Love

Ozzie: never ever be a sniffling goober

Harriet: ok

Ozzie: day four of the dexter-freeze going well

i had a tough moment last night, but i rebounded well

Harriet: nice

what did you do

Ozzie: i walked away from my computer and i went and showered and let the hot water calm me down

then i had sex with a vietnamese prostitute named ming ping

Harriet: hahahah

awesome

Ozzie and Clementine: Random Thoughts

Ozzie: why do i try so hard

why

wait

reverse that

why don't i try at all

Clementine: haha

what?

Ozzie: where?

who?

Clementine: you're talking nonsense

Ozzie: i appreciate the morals of transgendered strippers and am considering doing an expose on their lifestyles for the oxygen network

Soliloquy: Ozzie

Ozzie: when i was leaving your apt the other night, two tranny hookers tried to pick me up

and asked if i was horny

of course i said yes and invited them back to your place, but forgot that i didn't have the key

Comebacks by Clementine

Ozzie: you know what i found out?

being a whore is genetic

you should talk to someone about that

Clementine: that was a really good one!

have you been waiting for me to wake up so you could say that?

Ozzie: yes

Ozzie and Harriet: Random Thoughts

Ozzie: you're a hooker with a heart of brass

Harriet: hehe

Ozzie: i'm so hot, i radiate sine waves

Ozzie and Harriet: Thoughts on Love

Ozzie: my online boyfriend told me he loved me again

Harriet: oh yeah

how so

Ozzie: he said "i think i love you" and then said something dirty

Harriet: at least he's direct

Ozzie: yes

also maybe a whore

Harriet: haha

Ozzie: you'd probably get along

Harriet: probably

Ozzie: you don't have blood in your veins, you have whore juice

Ozzie and Harriet: Random Thoughts

Ozzie: don't you wanna make a puppet with a sock?

Harriet: sure

Ozzie: let's make many of them and fight them in an alleyway

do you think i'm weird

Harriet: yes

Ozzie: you're weirder

Harriet: i know

Ozzie: i just commented on some photos of you

Harriet: which ones

Ozzie: ones where you were sick, gross, and yuck

Harriet: sweet

Ozzie and Harriet: Random Thoughts

Ozzie: i'm so tired

i'm so tired

drink the puppet

Harriet: you are weird

Ozzie: kick pandas

Harriet: stop it

i'm working

Ozzie: i'm good at killing trees

Ozzie and Harriet: Holidays

Harriet: are you going to miss me this xmas

Ozzie: yes

oh

wait

no

the answer was no

Harriet: i hate you

Harriet: peace bitch

Ozzie: die whore

Ozzie and Clementine: Coffee Talk

Ozzie: kick babies

do it now

c'mon

do it

NOW

Clementine: i was spat on by a 2 yr old today

so yes

i'm down

Ozzie: KICK EM IN THEIR BABY NUTS

only you would get spit on by a 2 year old

Clementine: and by spat on

Ozzie: you have all the luck

Clementine: i mean spat on twice

one minute apart

Ozzie: ha like he actually spat?

Clementine: yes

twice

at my forehead

i was wearing a freaking white coat

is there no respect left in the world?!

Ozzie: nope

Clementine: apparently not

Ozzie: i don't respect you

i know you don't respect me

so there ya go

Clementine: lovely

Ozzie: we were made to be besties

Clementine: obvi

Ozzie: its all because of math

Clementine: totes

i know

who knew that being a dumb smart kid would find me true friendship

Ozzie: yes!!!!!

Clementine: i'm BORED

Ozzie: i'm naked

Clementine: uhhh

awkward.

Ozzie: squeal

Soliloquy: Ozzie

Ozzie: i pierced my other nipple last night

why?

i don't know

Soliloquy: Harriet

Harriet: i look like a dog attacked my nose

only the dog was me

Comebacks by Clementine

Ozzie: my mom is a dirty pirate hookerClementine: obviously

she popped you out didn't she?

Ozzie: heehee

Clementine Knows Love

Ozzie: what is the cheesiest love song you can think of

Clementine: meatloaf

he's mad cheesy

Ozzie: oh my

Clementine: or michael bolton

Ozzie: you are so RIGHT

OH MY
HOW CAN WE BE LOVERS!

Ozzie and Harriet: Reconciliation

Ozzie: hello

are you still around?

Harriet: yes

Ozzie: whoa

hahaha

you have no life

Soliloquy: Ozzie

Ozzie: you know what's weird

we talk a lot

but always seem to have more to talk about
...

tickle war!

Ozzie and Harriet: Smile

Ozzie: my birthday is on sat

Harriet: i know

you said that already

Ozzie: what are you getting me

Harriet: a kiss

Ozzie: wonderful, that made me smile

Ozzie and Harriet: Friendship

Harriet: bah!

Ozzie: yes

Harriet: my focusing is at a minimum

i am going to feed myself and hope that helps

my eyes are also dry

and i would like to play twister

and scattergories

Ozzie: i would like nine billion m&ms

Harriet: maybe you should come to the 'burbs this weekend and we could study all day and then play games and drink with clementine!

and eat m&ms

i have some with me right now

actuallyOzzie: i have midterms next week

i can'tHarriet: that's what the study all day was about

can't you read!?

Ozzie: ?

oh

i see, I glazed by that

but i can't because i have to volunteer

Harriet: i see you've written something, but all i can read is lame lame lame lame lame lame lame

Harriet and Clementine: Girl Talk

Harriet: i'd rather not be working

how about you?

Clementine: i'm doing arts and crafts

Harriet: really?

Clementine: and by arts and crafts i mean drawing the synthesis of thyroid hormone in the thyroid follicular cell with pretty markers

Harriet: you had me excited

and then you stomped on my deseos

Clementine: i live to disappoint you

Harriet: why would you do such a thing

i can't stop picking my face

Clementine: I WAS JUST PICKING MINE!

omg

Harriet: hahaha

Soliloquy: Harriet

Harriet: i have been fed

i am no longer hot

and you're a whore

Ozzie and Harriet Have a Friend: Meet Clementine

Ozzie: studying is hard

Clementine: yes

welcome to my life

Ozzie: i'm not dating anyone

so not welcome to your life

Clementine: this is the first time EVER

that the tables have been turned

Ozzie: damn

i need to get back on it

Clementine: booo

i like talking to you

i dont like you studying

Ozzie: it's hard...

do i stay with the frog or go to the chicken

Clementine: what does that mean

Ozzie: my icon

chicken or frog

Clementine: ahhh

okay i see frog

Ozzie: you're seeing frog

yes

Clementine: i need to see chicken

Ozzie: chicken

Clementine: that's still frog

Ozzie: oh

he's chicken on my computer

Clementine: oh

well

i like frog

he's cute

Ozzie: c'mon chicken

go elsewhere, frog

Clementine: weirdo

well i'm going to head to bed

i'm tired

it's been a long day

Ozzie: whatever

go dream of how pretty i am

Clementine: i always do

goodnight, slutbag

Ozzie: goodnight, carpet muncher

Ozzie and Harriet: Current Events

Harriet: i just got rice and beans from a really dirty place

let's hope i don't get sick

Ozzie: SWINE FLU

Harriet: es posible

no swine flu here yet

Ozzie: just don't sleep with mexicans

filthy

Harriet: haha

you're a whore

Ozzie: part of me hopes you get swine flu because it would be so appropriate

Harriet: why

Ozzie: because you are a swine

Harriet: i like pigs

Ozzie: you are one
... ... ... ... ... ... ...

Harriet: you bore me

Ozzie and Harriet: The Introduction

Ozzie: you are my best friend

i realized this

and it sort of distresses me

Harriet: hahahahahahahah

why would it distress you??

i hate you

Ozzie: i hate you too

this is why it distresses me

i hate you

and yet

you are my best friend

how did my life come to this

Harriet: hahahhahahaha

i'm cracking up over here

Ozzie: well i'm glad someone is laughing

Harriet: indeed

Ozzie: you're such a whore

Harriet: i know